Make your own free website on
Queen Ruby laid on her bed, tissues nearby, with a rather large pile of used ones overflowing the trash can. She was just sniffling a little while reading a book. She was feeling better now, the sneezing fits seemed to come and go. Her mind wasn't really on the romance novel in her hands, she stared at it blankly while pondering what was causing these allergies that were threatening to wear her rock-hard nose down flat. Doctor Dirt strode into the room with a loving smile, "How are you doing today, my sweetie?". "Better dear", she attempted a smile, "AHCHOO!!!!". Dr. Dirt hit the deck with amazing speed, thinking, "I've been around Strick's squad too long". It was a good thing, as a irregular hail of red bullets hit a nearby wall. Fortunately, she had been facing at a slight angle away from him. "Wheze...thpppt...cough...cough". After a few nose blowings, Dr. Dirt decided it was safe to get back up again. "Thorry, dear. I thud I wath over thith". The Doc hugged his wife, and said, "You know, this allergy has wreaked havoc with our intimate times. I can't seem to get close to you these days..." Her face abruptly screwed up, and with amazing dexterity, Dirt went prone on the floor in nothing flat. He was thankful for his quick reflexes as he looked at the star pattern of rock indentations in the wall above him. A series of fragmentation blasts his wife called sneezes went off over head, while Dirt huddled for dear life. He could see he was going to have to give up being "dirty-minded" for a while. Exercising the better part of valor, he crawled out of the room, using the bed for cover. An hour later, Ruby Dirt came to a horrible thought, "Could I be allergic to my husband?" She considered disguising herself and heading off to the Witchdoctor, but a woman consisting entirely of red stone was just too unique to hide. So the lovely Empress headed off, and soon confirmed, she was allergic to molds and dust mites. She ran out of town, crying her eyes out. Doctor Dirt missed this spectacle because he was visiting the shire's astrologer and Seer of the spirit realm, a robed and turbaned Chinaman by the name of "Shang Hai Noone". "Gleetings, revered Emperla", he spoke with a noticable accent as he bowed before Dirt. "Wat may humble servant do for glate empler?". In a lot clearer Basic, Dirt summed it up with business efficency, "I suspect the Queen lady, my beloved spouse, may be allergic to me. I need to find out if this is true, and what can be done to solve it". "Thees require consultation with spirits of honored ancestors. Moment please." He then lit some candles, lowered the lights, and threw some powders in the air. When the mood was set, he put his hands on a crystal ball and muttered some incantations. Nothing seemed to happen for a minute or so, and then he moaned faintly and collapsed to the ground. Dirt was about to come over to see if he needed help, when the man started speaking in a trance, quite loudly in an unintelligble but definitely non-chinese tongue. After a few minutes, he came back to, sat up, and said, "Help up, pease". When he was seated again, he said with a long, sympathetic face, "Bod news, exalted won. Situation as you feerd." "Is there any hope, Mr. Noone?". "Yess, antidote can be made, but ploblem. Requilers blood.". "Uh, whose blood?", Dirt asked squeamishly. "Blood of Elkinwhine", Noone said quietly. Dirt was taken a little aback at this one, "Perhaps I can make a trade deal, how much is required?". "Apploximately two full pails". "Holy anemia", thought Dirt. "It seems I have some serious thinking to do", he said as he turned to leave. Noone followed him to the door, consoling, "I investigate matter futher, tell you if news. Pleeze come again.". As Dirt moped down the road, Noone waved and said "Bye, Syonara, Alf Wiederzane, Shalom, Adios!". After he closed the door, he said in a different tone with no Chinese accent, "And good riddance". He sat down on a comfortable chair, and pulled off his turban, revealing high arched eyebrows over his fake ones, and long, pointed ears. The Elf just laid back and smiled.